Back to the future

Surely this can't be right.

I mean 80s fashion is one thing.

But the Jelly Bag being height of fashion again?







http://m.hm.com/gb/mobilev2/home/summeraccessories__mobileSummerAccessories.nhtml?nr=5&category=-1#poster


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Too damned clever

Little girl resisting sleep, I said I needed her to sleep as I had stuff to do.

Then I said I needed her to sleep because I needed a rest.

First she pointed out that I 'cannot rest and work at the same time, silly mummy'.

And then she patted her pillow and said 'you can rest here with me mummy'.


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Who's zooming who

I know, I know I am showing my age again.

There was a time, not so very long ago, when I desperately tried to employ the distraction technique, but now it seems it is me who is being distracted.

I don't mean that little girl is trying to prevent me having a tantrum. Although, I do have a certain amount of respect for the mother in the advert who throws herself on floor in a full on kicking fit. (I can't remember what the advert is for though. Oh, yes I am a marketeers dream.)

Nope, My little Girl has begun developing an arsenal of tactics for delaying all sorts of things.

Bedtime, for example, started to be delayed by the invention of new songs:

' I have new song mummy, I just sing my new song'. These can be ditties on any topic but often feature poo.

Or, she withholds her good nights 'I didn't say good night to you mummy'.

Other distraction techniques are:

'I have a question for you mummy'
'just want to show you something mummy' - normally said as she wildly casts around for something completely not worthy of showing.

I'm not sure what it says about me, but I think she is better at this than I am.


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Only the crumbliest

I really have turned into the flakiest person I know.

I don't mean I am running whimsically through poppy fields or reclining my perfectly pale body in a bath while seductively eating a chocolate bar.

No I mean I am a crap friend.

When pregnant I'm sure everyone reads the single girls column about how rubbish her baby friends are, all bailing through lack of a sitter; we all shake our heads and vow not to be that way.

You know, there are times when little girl is poorly or refusing to go to her father's and have no choice.

But, just as often these days it is all down to me. The pressure of events in my diary feels like pain not pleasure and I just want to hide from the world and do nothing.

And I mean NOTHING. I have discovered I have an amazing capacity for this, and on days when I can do nothing I find myself not even answering the phone or replying to texts.

Sometimes on these days I do manage to connect to a virtual world via Twitter, no one expects anything from me there.

So basically, on a good day I can be a good friend, and I am always thinking of other people, I just don't manage to let them know.

If I've let you down lately, I'm sorry. It's not personal and I working on being less of a flake and more of a Marathon (snickers doesn't really work there!)


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Stepford child

There are days when I feel the need to tell people I didn't dress my child.

It's not that she dresses in clashing colours, or odd shoes (although I have let her do that once).

It's not that she wears fancy dress, or a crown or a pirate patch.

Nope it's just that if I get dressed first, little girl insists on wearing the same:







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My baby takes the early morning train

This morning little girl decided to bypass the 'but you have to go to nursery as I'm going to work' argument by announcing from the very word go, yes even while still in her bed, that she was 'going to work with mummy today'.

Inside this gave me a big smile, nearly as big as when she sings 'you are my sunshine' to me. But it also bought a little panic...

Panic one: oh no not another stressful evening or her and her daddy as he tries to take her home to his for the night.

But, the biggest panic was OMG no peaceful day in the office drinking hot coffee, talking to adults and not hearing 'mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy I talking to you' every three minutes.

In the end I spent the day buried in eye hurting spreadsheets, she played with friends and went to the park with her father.

I think I lost.


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Roll over

This evening my Handsome Cousin Paul is staying before flying back to LA.

Little girl has kindly given up her bed and is sleeping in mine.




Sounds good so far.

Until you realise she has bought ALL her 'cuggly' toys in with her




She wheeled them in in the dolly travel cot, but they couldn't stay there as the 'little babies' had to be gathered from around the house to sleep in said travel cot.






Not quite sure exactly where I am meant to sleep.

I think that pillow in the background is mine.


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*blush*

I have just had supper with a lovely lovely friend whose lovely lovely other half always meets her from the train station after dark. I've always wanted to be the kind of girl that boys felt protective like that towards. But I'm guessing that girls like that don't suffer the embarrassments I have in last week.

Last Tuesday I was merrily wending my down Chancery Lane, when a polite 'excuse me' alerted me to the fact that my skirt was tucked in my tights. At least I was wearing knickers.

Then on Thursday as I was heading up in the lift to my office in St Pauls I noticed the care label on my dress. Oh yes, you guessed it: I had commuted, via nursery, with my dress on inside out.

This morning as I strolled over Blackfriars Bridge a gust of wind blew the full skirt of my yellow dress up in a Marilyn Monroe fashion; but unlike Marilyn I did flash my orange knickers to the world.

Yes, it's ok knights no need to polish your armour.


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Hidden Springs Glamping

I have proclaimed our first mother daughter camping trip a failure; it rained we came home very early.

But then I looked at these pictures and now I'm not so convinced it was a disaster.





































I want to go back.

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Mice and mothers

You know sometimes things just happen how you picture them? well I had a bit of that on Monday.

Little girl had been looking forward to seeing her best friend and, to be honest, I was in desperate need of a bit of a chat, so we sent a breakfast invitation text and hooray it seemed like a plan.

But then those things happen that happen when us free thinking, living breathing, independent human beings get together, things didn't go to plan.

The little girls couldn't agree where to sit so I ended up heaving chairs about - aggravating my back.

Little girl changed her usual order to be the same as her friends but then didn't like it.

(It's such a hard stage to navigate when you yourself are still in the trying to be an individual and your child just wants to be like her friends, time to teach her the 'the same but different' me thinks)

Yes, I did get her her usual plain croissant because I knew she was hungry, yeh yeh bad mummy. I know.

Nice comic sharing occurred ahh I thought.

Then there was a little girl putting a leaf in the arm of her friends chair debacle. Debacle because in the way that only three year olds can muster, her friend didn't want a leaf on her chair, friend drama'd and little girl persisted.

I took little girl outside to convince her to desist. Then we sat on our own and little girl ate some breakfast and went over to apologise, she returned upset that she hadn't had an apology back - I wasn't there but I think she just didn't hear.

We re-united. But, then I had promised that if little girl ate breakfast we could go. More chaos over wether all going, catching up etc... Little girls that it is.

In this confusion Little Girl decided to look through her magnifying glass to see her friend bigger, it wasn't close up, but more drama and more persistence ensued.

And I got cross, cross with both of them, actually at this point it was probably the drama that was getting to me. Yeh Bad Mummy again. I said, quite fiercely, to both of them (yep bad mummy again again) they obviously didn't want to play together so took my little girl away.

All she kept asking was where's her friend was. Poor little girl loves with all her heart. But, while I didn't feel the drama was justified what could I do?

There were reunited later and played nicely in the park, but it was awkward. I had sent a text apologising for getting cross with both of them, I did explain to little girl that if, whatever her intentions, her behaviour upsets someone she she should just walk away or stop.

But, I can't help feeling that these two have developed this pattern and I think little girl is going to get her heart broken.

The rest of our day?

Was fab. Little girl took herself off for thirty minutes 'rest'.

Then we made this stepping stone - oh yes you can have a bejewelled stepping stone.

We gardened, we shared a sun lounger and chatted and all felt right in the world.




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The sunshine weighs blissfully heavy on my eyes

This is not a sponsored post but it will be littered with product placements and links, I am just wanting to share my day with you (obviously all freebies and samples gratefully received!) My near perfect day, that cost me very little but allowed me to connect with many of the under appreciated things in my life. Things I used to take for granted.

Ok, this wasn't quite how my lie-ins of old used to go, but I still count an hour in bed with little girl as a heavenly time even if does involve You Tube. Our favourite today:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jc20vMz0V7Q&feature=youtube_gdata_player


Then little girl went to her daddy's and a little rain fell in my perfect day with his inevitable criticism of something, anything, as I handed her over.

Me, well I met someone very dear to me for brunch at Jamie's Recipease.

I pootled on home to hand over the keys to a temporary entrustee of my Darling Clementine, before embarking on a spot of Wii Yoga and Pilates.

Then I allowed the sun to weigh heavy on my eyelids as I sat in the garden in my favourite lounger and took time to just be.

Oh my Fing G how long has it been since I did that; truly nothing, no reading, no writing, no doing at all just being.

I listen to the birds nesting in the hedge above my head, I even watched them forage and feed. Wow, a garden peaceful enough to do that in, I repeat WOW!

Inspired by rest and the possibility of pottering I even trimmed the hedges by hand. Thus exercising biceps and not disturbing the birds.

Then I sat and just was some more.


A bath with some L'occitane lemon verbena bubbles (a precious gift -the bubbles not the bath, although now I come to mention it...) and an Elemis Exotic Moisturising Face mask, a freebie from when I could pay £100 for face cream and not blink...

Sounds glamorous until I tell you I used a pair of little girls knickers to tie my hair up, clean of course.

And now here I am feeling at peace, tippy typing a peaceful ( and some might say dull) post on my ipad (yet another gift) to celebrate a delightfully easy day, with much room to breathe.

A day rounded off in new Gap pjs, enjoying a supper of red wine and chocolates and an opportunity to catch up with emails, sky plus and an early night.













Oh another slight blight when my Alessi savaged the cork and I had to resort to the lazy fish.

I really do love my life but I have a long way to go before I feel I really live it.




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Bunny hop

Sometimes I do wonder what a mummy needs to do to rock a little girl's world. (In a good way of course; aren't you down with the kids?)


If you ask my little girl what she did this weekend, she will adopt that face that says 'well...' and proceed to tell you, very proudly, that:

I was sick in my car seat 'cos I had too many crisps on ferry boat'


Now this is true, but how did this become the headline in a weekend in which we went home to Grandma's?

We celebrated Grandpa's 60th birthday

Went to see the bluebells



Ate ice cream (AMazing stem ginger for me) and paddled at the seaside



Even went on Grandpa's boat

Went to 'Robin Hill Park' with Isla




AND what does she choose to tell you about? Being sick in the car.








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I'll give my bloody leg stress

So what was it?

Some stress response to an old injury, bio-mechanical issues ...

Basically saying I walk funny and I bump into things.

Actually they used far more technical words to explain the lesion on my tibia, but they did say I could avoid surgery and they will zap it with their infra red laser beams.

Ok, so maybe the last bit makes me sound like I will be lying in the arms of Superman while his loving gaze heals me... Sorry getting carried away again...

Seriously, they can fix me without surgery but I will still walk funny and bump into things...

And right now I may not feel the relief I expected but I do feel bloomin emotionally exhasted.






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Poxy pox

When one of your bestfriends tells you there is a chicken pox jab, and even tells you where to get it for your pretty little girl ...

Do get round to doing something about it.








At least she is in good company







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Diary of a not cancer diagnosis

Friday April 1st

Me: Doctor, doctor I have a bone in my leg and it hurts.

Wednesday April 6th

Freak out because the red-light over the x-ray table makes me think of James and radiation. Cry, struggle to breathe, call my mum.

Random panic subsides

Thursday April 7th

8pm miss a call from doctor wanting to discuss my x-ray. Try to call back, but surgery switchboard is closed.

Panic slightly.

WTF this is the NHS results should take a week!

Ring my mum.

Ring my ex, knowing if anyone will relish the opportunity to tell me not to be ridiculous it's him. I'm right, he does.

Friday April 8th

Sleepless night.

Drop little girl at nursery and start calling doctor. Receptionist says he's not in until 11:30. Cancel work, ring my mum, camp out in Neros.

Can't wait until 11:30, call again at 11. Not sure what I am expecting, in that kind of state of numb dread, let's face it it's not going to be the all clear.

Speak to doctor he says come in at 2:30 WTF is going on....

Arrive at surgery at 2, fail miserably to even concentrate on 2001 edition of Country Life.

Right, radiologist says: myeloma, oedema or lymphoma. Doctor says is unlikely but as is a tumour MRI needed.

Breathe, really, really try hard to breathe.

Try to remember what doc says but hard when have a piece of paper with 'Oma words on. Even the guy at Bupa goes quiet when I ask for pre-approval. Book MRI for Monday afternoon.

Go to a friend, drink wine, fast, call girls council of war for Tuesday. I want my friends, I want to hide, I want my family, I want to hide, I want to hide, I want someone to hold me and tell me it's ok, I want to hide.

Saturday and Sunday

Put one foot in front of the other, breathe, can't think, don't want to think.

Breathe.

Can't cry, even in my lonely bed. Nose prickles, tears get stuck in my chest.

Monday 11th

At work, write this:


It's just too big to think about. My chest get's tight, the Walls start closing in and I find it hard to breathe. It's getting too dark.


It will all be fine. Of course it will, I have a beautiful three year old daughter how can it not?

Fuck my leg hurts; there is a knot in my tummy. I want to cry, I can't cry even though my nose prickles.

Breathe, breathe. Breathe as if into a paper bag and be calm.

It will all be ok, things always are, eventually.

Breathe, relax your shoulders and just breathe.

I have the attention span of a gnat today. Or maybe I am doing the gnat an injustice; maybe a gnat read a whole sentence in one go.


Catch bus, arrive at hospital an hour early as I know not what else to do.

Surgeon seems unworried until he does new X-ray and is told no MRI until Friday, then the reassurances get drowned out by him telling radiology that we are looking for bone tumours.

I mean tumour doesn't mean the c word, it's just a thing...

Pick up little girl, she seems even more beautiful, more wonderful. What would she know of me if.... FUCK cannot go there, cannot think like that.

Tuesday April 12th

WFH waiting for call for MRI. Just cannot concentrate. Cannot think. Struggle to do ANYFUCKINGTHING.

Wednesday April 13th

Called in for MRI. Reassured by radiologist saying is teeny tiny.

Thursday April 14th

Manage to work, sort of.

Bath little girl and watch spots appear before my very eyes. No, it isn't the large quantities of wine I have drunk this week, little girl has chicken pox.

Call my mum. She laughs at me; the other day I told her we only get dealt what we can deal with...

Arrange care for Little girl so I can go to the hospital for the results.

Friday April 15th

Little girl's best friend has the pox too, so arrange play date for her and a welcome back committee for me.

Put fizz in the fridge.

All f'in clear. Longest week of my life, now all clear.

Not sure it has sunk in. Waiting for the relief. Go hide in coffee shop, not ready to talk yet.

Still waiting for the relief, I thought it would be instant.

Receive this text: Fucking Hell. What a load off. And that's how I feel. Jesus.

Monday April 18th

Everyone is so pleased for me. I can feel my shoulders clenched ready to breathe sigh of relief but not yet doing it.

Every time someone is nice to me I feel a little more ... A little more I am not sure what... Still numb... Nose still prickles but the sobs are being contained in my tight tight chest, trapped in my throat.

Maybe when the chicken pox is over...


All drama, no plot that's me.




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It's just too big to think about.

It's just too big to think about. My chest get's tight, the Walls start closing in and I find it hard to breathe. It's getting too dark.

It will all be fine. Of course it will, I have a beautiful three year old daughter how can it not?

Fuck my leg hurts; there is a knot in my tummy. I want to cry, I can't cry even though my nose prickles.

Breathe, breathe. Breathe as if into a paper bag and be calm.

It will all be ok, things always are, eventually.

Breathe, relax your shoulders and just breathe.

I have the attention span of a gnat today. Or maybe I am doing the gnat an injustice; maybe a gnat read a whole sentence in one go.

Sent from my iPad

All by myself

A few hours ago I was feeling as lonely as hell.

The only time I had felt so lonely before was when I lost a true love.

I have a letter from a Dr and a radiologist that has some very very scary words on it, but at the mo they are just words, idle threats as it were.

But then I made a few calls. I made my mum cry but just because she loves me.

I then spent a couple of hours in a friend's garden drinking Chablis; we called a council of war of the girls for Tuesday; and I came home and tweeted.

Suddenly I'm not drinking quite so alone.


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Didn't we?

I know I've said it before but I still feel the same way so I'll say it again: language development really amazes me.

Isobel has a few mistakes in her language, for example she will ask who is 'lifting' her up from nursery, but otherwise she really does get it spot on.

Her latest thing is adding an adjunct onto her sentences:

Didn't we
Mustn't I

And so on.

She always get's the right, just like she did when she learnt 'too', and all of them seem to have come along at once.

I have no idea how she does it.


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Who me?

Last week I tweeted something along the lines of:

I have no self-discipline and I am really beginning to p*ss myself off

And the more I have thought about this throw away tweet I have realised how very true it is,

I am fat because I have no diet willpower

I am broke because I use shopping to make myself feel better - it doesn't work, see above.

I hate mess but I am untidy and often hang my clothes on the floor.

Hmm, I see a common theme here. Anyone would think I was in charge of my life!

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Mothers

This is post I spent a lot of time thinking about yesterday but doing nothing with.Today, given my mood it could so easily have become a post about mother f*ckers, or should that be muva?

Anyway, so yesterday was mothers day, a funny lovely day for many people for many reasons. Funnily enough it is today I am missing my mum the most, just because I need a mummy hug.

Don't get me wrong, my mummy is only on the Isle of Wight so really not far away at all, but sometimes it just feels far.

You see my relationship with my mum is not always an easy one, and it seems that the mother daughter relationship can be one that can cause a hell of a lot of pain in both directions, but, luckily it seems to be an ever enduring one.

So there are many great things about going home...

The thing I have most appreciated lately is going home and being able to sleep when the drugs and laid me low.

The other thing I love most about going home is sitting on the settee of an evening feeling about 12 but being allowed wine. How great is going out and still, even though I am a mother myself, being picked up by my mum?

But, the thing I really, really truly love most of all about going home is that my Mummy is there.


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