Friday, 10 July 2009

A thought but not a very Friday one

A little over a week ago I dreamt I only had three weeks left to live. This made me feel strangely calm. It’s not that I have a death wish, how could I? I have a beautiful little girl to live for, so I guess I have a life wish. It’s just I don’t believe it means I’m going to die.

I believe it means that I am coming to end of something, that there is a new beginning out there for me. It may not be a radical change, but something is going to shift.

Oh don’t get me wrong I have thought and talked about what I want to happen if the unthinkable does happen. PD would of course raise our little girl, my mum would undoubtedly be here like a shot to help him and I’m sure the NCT girls would beat the door down to offer support. PD and Isobel would live here, at least for a while, even though he says this house is strange without me in it. And yes it would be scary for him to raise a little girl alone, but he would manage and manage awesomely at that.

So, with all that covered, and Isobel’s scrapbook given a whole new level of importance, I am getting back to what this dream means to me.
What a silly thing to write. I am obviously not yet sure what it means but I trust the universe enough to wait and see.

But, I have bought this pretty little ring and made a vow to watch out for, and write about, all the little signs that happen over the next two weeks as I drift gracefully (I hope) towards whatever it is that is going to be.

I’ve had an oddly tearful day, yet I cannot put my finger on what I am crying about. Perhaps I am just letting go of some pent up emotion. Perhaps I’m just hanging over a little.

Maybe I am regaining the beautiful perspective I had on life when I lost James. That gift he gave me with his last breath; the gift of knowing that life is pretty damn special and we only have one, so live it, live it well and live it full of love.

So with love in mind, here is a picture of the love of my life and me, living.

*Picture credit here goes to Hugh


Margarita said...

I hope everything's okay. ((hugs)) thinking of you.

Perfectly Happy Mum said...

That's a gorgeous post and you do sound very calm and peaceful, so I take that as the fact that you are well and that you are simply moving on towards a better future!
This photo of the 2 of you living is absolutely gorgeous! xx