I Just Made My baby Cry Real Tears

By withholding the boob and offering bottle I just made Isobel cry.

I am a wicked Mummy who, for a reason unknown even to myself, has decided to wean her baby onto bottles for the daytime feeds – well the mid-morning and lunchtime ones.

I could say it’s because Isobel is easily distracted at these feeds; or I could cite the fact that I will have to return to work as being the impetus; or is it that I want to give up breastfeeding all together and wear dresses again; perhaps I want to reclaim my breasts.

I really don’t know why it is. But I am.

I want the best of both worlds: the intimacy of breastfeeding in the morning and at night and the freedom of the bottle during the day.

We did give Isobel expressed milk in the early days, but then PD’s work got too demanding for a night feed and I didn’t see why I needed to traipse downstairs to warm a bottle when I had boobs that were fit to bust with milk right there in bed with me. So Isobel stopped liking the bottle.

Then I battled and got her back on the bottle again – tears from both of us – imagine the guilt of making your baby cry when, if you weren’t being so selfish, you could easily give her what she wants.

Then the battle began again with formula, half and half didn’t work. Then full on formula did one night. The next day, hooray, Isobel had a lunchtime bottle. (I didn’t tell anyone because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to relinquish feeding her.)

That was Friday, it hasn’t worked since.

I cannot tell you how guilty I feel that Isobel cried so much she made tears.