This time last year I should have merrily been skipping towards the festive season on the arm of a new beau. It was a time for celebration and falling in love.
Well, it should have been.
Instead I lost the plot. Maybe not entirely, but as close as I would ever like to come: mind-numbingly, stare-at-the-wall-for-hours close.
It wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t festive. As the festivities mounted the worse I got. I was crying to my new beau, weeping on my boss in the office until I could no longer go to work (I am freelance this is not a good thing, not a good thing at all). My mum wanted to come and rescue me before the men in white coats came and carried me away.
I was functioning as a mother, just.
Yes, I was still suffering from depression. Yes, communication had broken down with little girl’s daddy to the point of his not being able to look at me let alone hold a civil conversation. And, yes a well meaning, but misguided GP (who I had only just met) then changed my prescription for anti-depressants to something newer that made me wobble further and gain weight, causing self-esteem to plummet further and the plot to slip further and further from my grasp.
I was starting a new relationship but the ground beneath me was crumbling. I was too scared of losing myself to allow myself just to be, so I pushed him away.
And then… oh yes there is more… in true festive spirit I unleashed my Elfzilla and decided to make a variety of presents for everyone. The dress I wanted to make for my Mummy became a great big rod to beat myself with, a lovely idea but when it was no longer being made with love I just had to admit that I couldn’t do it.
I actually believe it was this lovely (not) festive spirit that almost broke me. No not the dress or the myriad of other things I’d wanted to make. But rather, the expectations I placed upon myself to be a perfect Christmas fairy.
Now I’m sure I’m not alone in this.
Is this a time of year when you find yourself distracted by all that twinkles and shines or is there a Christmas elf determined to sit on your party hat?
Let’s get it all off our chests early so we can enjoy Christmas with as much sanity, joy and tinsel as possible. Join me here for the All I want for Christmas is my Sanity Carnival, inspired by and in cahoots with the lovely Carol's Mental Health Carnival, here on 12th December. Please send all post links to me by Friday 9th.
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3 comments:
Huge hugs. I will get a post done soon x
Thank you. I think I needed to read that. I'm meant to be moving house on Thursday (3 days!) but my bank keeps messing me about. I've just got obsessed with making Christmas Day fabulous for my son. He's 18 months so the first time he's going to really realise the day is different and my in laws are all meant to be over (and I take huge pride in my cooking.) I was so looking forward to it...
But there may come a point where I say "look, this is just *too* close to Christmas, this is just *too* much" as you say, it easily turns from a nice idea to one to beat yourself with.
If this year doesn't come off as I hope, I'm totally doing a full 12 months of Christmas preparation next year just to make up for it!
Seriously though, I hope this year is better for you.
I'm glad it's not just me. I'm going through simmilar things, (minus the job and making everyone presents), mood disorder, medication and troubles with my LO's daddy. It's comforting to know there are other mum's who are just "functioning" as I found myself feeling very guilty about this.
I really wish all the best to you. I think you have the strength to see it through to the end of the tunnel =)
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