A Hollow Victory

After weeks of trying, but not being able to go through with it we've done it.

After an hour of tears, more Isobel's than mine this time, we've cracked it.

For lunch today, Isobel has had 5 ozs (give or take the bits she spat out or just allowed to dribble out of her mouth in defiance) of room temperature formula from a Tommy Tippee anatomically correct bottle.

The Health Vsitor said I should stop giving in because she'd know she could get her way (at 16 weeks?!), so today I didn't. Now I'm left with a boob about ready to explode - yes I know should express but I hate doing that - and a rather sad feeling.

Am I really ready to give up breastfeeding?

I Just Made My baby Cry Real Tears

By withholding the boob and offering bottle I just made Isobel cry.

I am a wicked Mummy who, for a reason unknown even to myself, has decided to wean her baby onto bottles for the daytime feeds – well the mid-morning and lunchtime ones.

I could say it’s because Isobel is easily distracted at these feeds; or I could cite the fact that I will have to return to work as being the impetus; or is it that I want to give up breastfeeding all together and wear dresses again; perhaps I want to reclaim my breasts.

I really don’t know why it is. But I am.

I want the best of both worlds: the intimacy of breastfeeding in the morning and at night and the freedom of the bottle during the day.

We did give Isobel expressed milk in the early days, but then PD’s work got too demanding for a night feed and I didn’t see why I needed to traipse downstairs to warm a bottle when I had boobs that were fit to bust with milk right there in bed with me. So Isobel stopped liking the bottle.

Then I battled and got her back on the bottle again – tears from both of us – imagine the guilt of making your baby cry when, if you weren’t being so selfish, you could easily give her what she wants.

Then the battle began again with formula, half and half didn’t work. Then full on formula did one night. The next day, hooray, Isobel had a lunchtime bottle. (I didn’t tell anyone because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to relinquish feeding her.)

That was Friday, it hasn’t worked since.

I cannot tell you how guilty I feel that Isobel cried so much she made tears.

Breast is Best - Isn't It?

That is a rhetorical question: I know it is. But, having written a post about how much I love breastfeeding, I can't stop thinking about all the things I don't love about it, and not just my limited wardrobe.

I don't love not knowing how much milk my baby has had on a hot summers day.

I don't love that she doesn't feed well when we are out, which happens a lot as she feeds every 2 1/2 hours, so then see above. (Yes, you can all say you should stretch her feeds out, but do you want to come and hold her while she cries and screams - no, I thought not.)

I don't love having my nipple stretched to unimaginable (except maybe at the Torture Garden) lengths as Isobel decides to look around or simply bob her head a bit. I will definitely not be feeding when she gets teeth.

Maybe, just maybe I'd like more than one glass of wine.

I love and don't love the fact that I am the only one who can feed her.

But all that said, there really is no reason to stop until she is four months old*. Six more weeks to go.

* Apparently this is when her digestive tract is 'closed' and so is better able to cope with non-boob milk substances.

Breastfeeding

You know something ? I am sure you do, but do you know this something. I LOVE breastfeeding my baby.

Before I was pregnant the idea that my boobs would be for something other than decoration or a handy way of distracting from the less perky parts of my body was a little odd, but at the same time so totally right.

I Love that my body can produce the best nourishment my daughter will ever have.

I love the fact that my boobs not my hips support my coffee and cake, tea and biscuits lifestyle. (Soo Rock and Roll me!)

I love the fact that I can get up and go without packing bottles.

I love that I only have one bottle a day to wash (I express a bottle supposedly for PD to feed)

But most of all, most of all


I LOVE the way my baby looks up at me and smiles.




(But you know what I don't Love - the fact that my wardrobe is still limited, limited to those items that can accommodate a lactating bosom, provide support and yet easy access. Summer is here and I can't wear most of my dresses - that really sucks.)

Express Yourself

Last night I unpacked my steriliser, and this morning I fired up my breast pump.

Look at what I produced - I'm quite proud.

The dairy is open for business.



Whilst we are talking about self-expression, I suspect Isobel wishes she could dress herself today. I am afraid she is wearing an embarrassing outfit and I'm ashamed to say I bought it. I will describe it to you - she'd never forgive a picture - but first I must mount my defence, it looked better on the hanger than it sounds and on a cold blowy day in London Town it is toasty warm.

Ok, it's a GAP white velour babygro with pink and red spots.... I know, what was I thinking.

Feeding On Demand

Just a note to remind all Mums that on-demand feeding only works in one direction.

Today we had an 11:20 appointment and if Isobel was following her 2 hour cycle she would need feeding at 11, just the time we needed to leave.

Me, being an evil Mummy thought I could stir Isobel 10 mnutes early so she would feed before we left the house.

BIG mistake.

She stirred; she even half-heartedly fed. Then I went to put her coat on...

She was sick.

Yes, she rewarded my ingenuity by vommiting all over both of us. So we were late anyway!

Stupor

After a feed Isobel often resembles a dunken old man:

She gains an extra chin to dribble on.....

And passes out.

Draught Please Barman

Today we met up with two of our NCT friends, a shortage of space in local cafes led us to the pub - it was the only place that had room for prams, honest.

So, that was a first, the first time we had met up as Mums with our babies and it was quite cool to compare notes. It was also funny to discover that while our babies are little individuals they do have an awful lot in common. Disappointing to know that those little expressive faces Isobel pulls are pulled by other babies too - although they obviously don't do it so prettily!

Another first for me was that I breastfed in public! It was something that I had worried a little about, I'd even bought a down-with-the-kids scarf as a foil, not that I had it with me today. Anyway, faced with a hungry baby I did what was neccessary. Funnily enough Nia was brave enough too. We had all previously joked about going out dressed as fresians to manage this feat on mass.

So, three little friends met for the first time. (Jasper was there too but he and his amazingly wild hair stayed asleep in his pram.)

Hopefully next Thursday we will all be there again.

Backseat Breastfeeding

Okay, so we went to Breastfeeding class. Yes, we both went; there was much triple checking about the boys attendance. RD wondered if he really needed to go to an evening of women getting their boobs out if it wasn’t for titillation and he certainly didn’t want to be the only boy there.

As it happened (and no surprise to me) there was no boob baring but it was explained that a supportive partner can increase breastfeeding success by a third! Anyway, it was an educational evening, key lesson learnt:

When positioning baby it’s Tummy to Mummy and Nose to Nipple. (If you are in any doubt as to the importance of this try this experiment: put your chin on your chest or shoulder and try to chew and swallow a malteser – it isn’t easy).

Also we learnt, amongst other things, that a little baby can lap from a small cup, various cures for mastitis, sore nipples and breast thrush!

I’m sure having RD and the other boys there was a good thing, but I’m not so sure that we haven’t just created some backseat breastfeeders.

(Poor RD, I think he needs beers to recover from all this information!)