So...

I lost the battle of the wills; Isobel still refused the bottle when she woke up.

As for the jabs: the three needles hurt, Isobel screamed and I shed a tear, but she cried far, far less than she did about the bottle.

What's a Mummy to do?

I am the wickedest, most evil mother in the world

Well that's how it feels.

My daughter has cried and screamed herself to sleep and where she is still doing the sniff-hic.

All because I'm trying to wean her onto a bottle. I don't even know why. I have a perfectly good pair of breasts just bursting with milk, so why am I the one engaging in a battle of wills, not to mention washing and sterilising all the bottles.

And as soon as she wakes up and feeds - on the bottle - I have to take her for more jabs.

Not a good mother and daughter day. I just want to cry.

A Hollow Victory

After weeks of trying, but not being able to go through with it we've done it.

After an hour of tears, more Isobel's than mine this time, we've cracked it.

For lunch today, Isobel has had 5 ozs (give or take the bits she spat out or just allowed to dribble out of her mouth in defiance) of room temperature formula from a Tommy Tippee anatomically correct bottle.

The Health Vsitor said I should stop giving in because she'd know she could get her way (at 16 weeks?!), so today I didn't. Now I'm left with a boob about ready to explode - yes I know should express but I hate doing that - and a rather sad feeling.

Am I really ready to give up breastfeeding?

I Just Made My baby Cry Real Tears

By withholding the boob and offering bottle I just made Isobel cry.

I am a wicked Mummy who, for a reason unknown even to myself, has decided to wean her baby onto bottles for the daytime feeds – well the mid-morning and lunchtime ones.

I could say it’s because Isobel is easily distracted at these feeds; or I could cite the fact that I will have to return to work as being the impetus; or is it that I want to give up breastfeeding all together and wear dresses again; perhaps I want to reclaim my breasts.

I really don’t know why it is. But I am.

I want the best of both worlds: the intimacy of breastfeeding in the morning and at night and the freedom of the bottle during the day.

We did give Isobel expressed milk in the early days, but then PD’s work got too demanding for a night feed and I didn’t see why I needed to traipse downstairs to warm a bottle when I had boobs that were fit to bust with milk right there in bed with me. So Isobel stopped liking the bottle.

Then I battled and got her back on the bottle again – tears from both of us – imagine the guilt of making your baby cry when, if you weren’t being so selfish, you could easily give her what she wants.

Then the battle began again with formula, half and half didn’t work. Then full on formula did one night. The next day, hooray, Isobel had a lunchtime bottle. (I didn’t tell anyone because I wasn’t sure I really wanted to relinquish feeding her.)

That was Friday, it hasn’t worked since.

I cannot tell you how guilty I feel that Isobel cried so much she made tears.